Translating Conserva-Speak

Translations for some of the more popular right wing talking points from Anything But Theist:

Support our troops (Kill foreigners)
I oppose big government (I hate when Democrats do anything)
Family values (I decide what families should be)
Obama is a Nazi Socialist (I know nothing about Nazis, Socialism, or Obama)
America first (Me second, everyone else third)
Only 53% pay taxes (Tax kids, the elderly and the comatose!)
Wealth will trickle down (The rich are pissing on us)
I’m pro-life (Unless you’re a black convict or lack health insurance)
Liberal bias (Science and history)
I don’t see color (I ignore minorities)

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Congress Isn't Too Popular Are They?

Saw this on Facebook this morning and figured I would share.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “About a gallon.”

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Ok Iowa, Very Funny. So Who Really Won?

Michele Bachmann (R-Mars) won Iowa’s straw poll yesterday which if anything shows that Iwegians have a sense of humor (please Iowa tell me you were joking) and satirist Andy Borowitz reacts.

Calling the results of today’s Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ.

While the effects of such an extraordinary measure are hard to predict, experts say the IQ downgrade could result in Iowans having difficulty completing sentences or operating a television remote.

“This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman. “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.”

And in other Iowa straw poll related news, some other Minnesotan called it quits after Iowans wondered who this guy was on their straw poll ballot.

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